Checkers.

[chokethewind]

 I'm at this point where it's do or die and I think it's not going to be the first.  

I'm exhausted, inspired, and deathly afraid.  I have nowhere else to go and I keep getting fucked over.  Or I keep fucking up.  Damn, do I keep fucking up.  I want it simpler.  I want to breathe again but it's all just hitching in my chest and I had the most amazing, perfect, beautiful weekend in the world and now I can't even breathe.

I don't know what else to do.  I really don't.

Entry about this weekend coming up as soon as I finish writing it and sticking in the pictures.  I wish i could get paid for this shit.  I'm trying to figure out what else I could get paid for.  Or sell.  Not my PS2. Do I have anything else of value?  Perhaps. Idk.  I wish I was amazing enough to write or make anything to sell.

I wish a lot of things, don't I?  Fuck.  I'm so fucking tired.

Comments

[kawree.livejournal.com]

whoa, hey, whoa, easy there hun... what in the world happened? i saw your older entries about the tour and how awesome it was, and then suddenly everything spiraled into awful... i totally feel your pain with wanting things to be simpler--gods know i would kill for something to be easy at the moment.

my roommate and i just applied for another job because we loath the one we have. we're waitresses, and everyone we wait on is a stiff, angry, tightfisted dickhead who takes up an hour of our time and tips us $2. ain't worth it anymore. i've done that thing where i switch jobs every like three months because i can't fucking stand what i have to do to live. it's not living--it's existing, and there are certainly some times it feels like it's not worth the effort to exist anymore.

but it is. it's really hard sometimes, but i know it is. i have something i'm working toward, and no matter how shitty i feel or how hopeless it seems, i keep thinking about that thing i'm working for and i figure out a way to make things happen.

it's frustrating to see poor artists and bad writers taking--and GETTING--commissions when people with more talent can't get anyone to look their way. been there, done that, but it's a tough crowd, unfortunately. do you have a used bookstore in your area? my roommate and i made about $150 on the spot just selling old books and DVDs and CDs.

wish there was something i could do to help. let me know if there is, okay? hang in there...i've been having a shitty time with my life for about six years now. it'll get better. it has to. ♥

[chokethewind.livejournal.com]

Hey. I just want to say your comment totally made me feel better, to see someone else is partially going through what I'm going through. Your words were much appreciated. <3

The tour was fantastic, I just came back and realized I was absolutely broke (through a series of unfortunate events mostly dealing with my phone provider and whatnot...) and had to pay rent and had a ton of other bills and no money. Plus work is just retardedly stressful (I work at a fastfood place...guh) and it shouldn't be, not for work this "easy." I've read a few of your entries about your own jobs.. and man, i can't imagine working as a waitress and working for tips depending on people's generosity. I might just scream if I had to do that.

I keep telling myself to suck it up and start realizing the good things I have... and I do, I really do, I mean, I have food and a place to live and it's certainly not the worst situation...but it does suck, working fulltime and going to school fulltime and then realizing that I've got nowhere else to turn to at most times. I don't even know what I'm working toward anymore... I feel like I'm just struggling uselessly for some reason I don't even know.

Thank you for the bookstore idea, I didn't even think of that! I don't have any books here I could sell, but I have a ton at my parents house that i didn't even think about selling. I'm a packrat when it comes to books, heh, but I'm sure I have at least half a dozen or a dozen over there I could afford to part with. It might take me a couple months to get back down there but I definitely know what I'll bringing back to sell. :)

Thank you so much for your words, they really really did mean a lot to me. That's sort of my mantra-- it has to get better. Things always work themselves in the end. It's something to believe in. <3 Thank you so much.

[kawree.livejournal.com]

hey, glad i could help. ^_^ life really does suck sometimes, and i know my LJ is full of whining and bitching and complaining, so it's probably not a good representation of my general outlook on life, but...i meant every word i said. no matter how lousy life looks, tomorrow is another day, and another chance. work + school = no fun, believe me i know. but one day you won't have school anymore, and you'll find a job you like--that's what the school part is for, right? that's about the only thing keeping me going right now, is that i need my BA to get the job i know i'll love. so i plod along, ready to gouge my eyes out, but knowing that if i can just stay my hand long enough, things will eventually stop sucking.

i wish i had some more financial advice to offer...but the fact is i could really use some myself. XD; i'm out of books to sell. i keep hoping i'll win Publisher's Clearing House, but so far no dice. oh well.

in any case, i'm glad i could cheer you up a little. hang in there, and if i can ever help you out with anything, let me know and i'll sure try. ^_^

as a matter of fact, i think i'm behind on those KHII translations... maybe i'll get another set out tomorrow. :D